Here’s a random rant I found recently. There’s some interesting and fun stuff from a man in crisis. Enjoy
I don’t know where to begin, but I know that I am angry. Four years and this is still the way it felt for over half of that time. Always trying to live up to a standard I could never meet, when it was not even made available. This tears my heart out (pathetic wording), I am indifferent, my mind spins, I’m fine, these are all of the ways to describe the situation. I feel you have cared more than anyone, but less at the same time. I don’t know if I myself have done much better, but I know I wanted too, maybe you did as well. At any rate, this is where we, or should I say I, am. How does this reflect on God? I am at a loss for this explanation. I know He is there, I even believe it, but this whole time I think I misunderstood faith. Took it for granted, or did not want to accept it. There are some many things that we know the answer to, that we refuse to accept. Sometimes it is probably best to go for that goal rather than waiting, no matter how much you have to let go. I wish I knew how to let you go, or if I should let you go? You are my angel, my princess, but it seems you are that for someone else, and I know you may deny it, it still seems the same. I think that at the pace this is going though, you may never fully be able to give of yourself anyway. I don’t know if I will be able to either? Can we ever truly, fully, give of ourselves? Or do we have to completely give up, the only thing we can do; to the one who made and knows us? I know I feel like going on forever and giving up all at the same time. I think this would be considered a paradox, but I am not sure. I know I have come to realize that that is the way most things are two completely opposite things that become the same at once. Do you need evil to have good, or does it only make good understandable? What was there before the garden? Was there a before-Adam? In one way I feel like going on in order to find trut,h fulfill whatever my purpose is, or let go whatever it is I must, but at the same moment my body feels like giving up. Have I truly suffered? No I have not, my suffering is nothing in comparison to that of others, but my weakness is that I cannot understand this. I only know what I have felt, I understand that it could be much more painful, but to my actual senses I have not experienced this. Why, Why, Why have you done this? Did you have intentions I did not see, or was this part of some elaborate plan for the worst, the best? Or was it all just chance. I know I loved you, I know I was angry, I know I have hurt you and so on,…. But I still want to be with you. I want you to be who you are, but I want you to be what I need, whatever that is. I want to know or at least believe that you don’t need others, you are happy with who you are and that you are real. Please do not be fake, anything but that. Maybe I hate fake so much because it seems that is what I am…. a walking contradiction…jealousy, hate, love, anger, fear, courage, lust, life, death. We need to accept it. That may be the answer, if not, the beginning, it will come. Maybe it can be conquered? Maybe it was? What shall we do if it has been? Is it really worth living on????? How do we know (Faith) We must understand in the fact that we fully comprehend, but in the same moment absolutely have no clue at the same time. This is where I am, the whole truth has not come out, I need a savior, I need love, I am so alone, but I know you are there. Who am I????????????I must let go………………………………….to live
I have changed so much that I do not know the “me” that I was before. Yes I still have the same body, the same similarities, but do they leave in sleep, do we wake up something different everyday? Can we walk in to the same river even once? What is a dream? Is it more real more tangible than whatever this reality seems to be, our lives, our entertainment revolve around dream, things that seem to have not occurred things we wish could happen. But what then is the nightmare? Is it something we do no want to occur, but is it our spirits way of reminding us we are not achieving our dreams, we are not living. Selfishness must come to an end, or dreams are of no avail. It must be stopped. That demon that has roamed since that fallen day must be defeated, must be changed? How can you fully destroy with love, is it right to let something cease to exist, like we crush the ant? Or is it a change that we need to see. Does the main character of sin need to become complete and utter love, and is this what it desires. What burden what journey does sin have, complete selfishness can this be changed into complete selflessness? In complete selflessness we become more of who we are than ever before. By becoming selfish we add to ourselves what we are not attention, fame, possession, but do not give. In no giving we receive nothing, but the consequences of our actions and a stocking filled with what we reap/ Merry Christmas how can I advertise to you today. Is this what we are meant for? Is our culture really the peak of humanity? We are all completely different yet all the same. Can the hero save? NO he cannot he can only show the way (faith) Jesus Christ can save, but if you do not accept him he is powerless because he chose to be this way. He cannot force, he will only inspire and encourage, and if nothing else be there. Even if you do not hear his voice the world is doomed if He is not there. We can come so close to the darkness and love the light it does not allow in and how, how we love to hide in the shadows of that light, denominations, trivialities, /the spirit, redemption, hunger hurt… these are real, these are important we hunger for love and we need to find redemption because we are broken America, Afghanistan, France and Japan, we are all broken. We nee one another, not to destroy one another, what would the world look like with peace, would we really desire it. Instead of running away and saying not that we have peace let’s not offend would we make a difference. I am one man, but I can do many things. I have the power to be used to change the world…. I can make a difference and I can choose to do as little as I can….but I must exist, I must press on, I must gasp for breath until it is gone. A hero knows he is a hero before he becomes one because he believes it. Believing may be seeing. Belief may be even deeper than the truth, or truth comes from belief based on the eternal. What is good, righteous eternal???? Spiritual???? Can we accept this world, can we live in this world but truly give from the other. We know we are in this three dimensional world of skyscrapers, the high, middle, and low class, can we partake in that which is more, that which is even heavier, weightier, more divine? God was man and he loved man, he became everything that he loved but through that what he hated, sin. Am I conquering am I living a life set apart, or am I too dense to grasp the simple………..
I recently attended The Swell Season’s concert in Cleveland, Ohio. I didn’t have huge expectations for the concert, but I figured that I would be impressed, which I was. Most of Glenn’s songs seem to have something to do with overcoming what stands in the way of your dreams or are a way to recover and deal with the past. As the title of the band alludes to, many of the songs build to a swelling point of peak emotion. They start out soft and questioning and build to a point of realization or a point of letting go. A lot of great art seems to imitate this pattern, one often times found in sex.
Before they played the academy award winning song “Falling Slowly,” Glenn explained what the song was about. He told us that the song was about a guy whose girl he has known for a long time, leaves him for London. While dealing with the frustration and pain of his loss he meets a girl who shows him the light he needs to move on. He sees the hope in her that he needs to feel alive again. This story echoes the story told in the movie once that Glenn and Marquetta starred in. As they began to play the song, I was moved to a place where I began to think about my own past, my present feeling of detachment from the happiness I once felt, and the future that would come of this. I started to connect beautiful memories of my relationship with Amanda into a mental collage in my mind, drawing cartoon cats in Spanish class, laying around and laughing, sharing fourth period lunch together, holding her unaware of what our future held. Tears spilled from my eyes as I took in the power of connection and internal realization that I allowed to leave myself in order to let it surface. I thought of the similarity of my relationship with Lauren and how it was the embodiment of comfort and hope when I was in a place of loss and confusion brought about by my and Amanda’s ever increasing romantic decline, which fell oh so slowly, but surely. Lauren was everything beautiful and joyous, but I felt so trapped. As I came out of my internal reverie, I considered the future and how I am going to deal with this disconnect between what I used to feel and believe love offered, and what I now no longer try to embrace. Are there words to describe this sense of emptiness and loss? Maybe when the robins come, it will all make sense…
A little whisper caught the wind
and floated toward my ear
It embraced the walls and bounced around
until it dissappeared
Inside my head a fire struck, somehow unobserved
conditioning nerve endings,
a grand electric surge
What once was sound, now so dense
took new disgusting form
and ate my brains like twizzlers
one strand at a time.
In one of the most memorable passages from the New Testament love is described in great detail. “Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself; is not puffed up; does not behave rudely; does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)” Verse eight proclaims that “Love never fails“. In the book of John, Jesus claims that “Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one’s life for his friends.” These verses put words to the feelings and ideas that I hold about the vast mystery of love. Aaron Marsh of Copeland describes love as a “grand illusion, that makes fools of brilliant thinkers everyday.” Love surprises, enchants, pulls out deep pain from inside of you, and causes you to do things you may never have imagined. Love is what drives this machine we live in. Dare I quote Lennon, who states, “All you need is love.”
Throughout history artists have dissected, described, explained, rebelled against and embraced love. Without love and the compassion it inspires we would not be alive. The way I understand love is in my mind, but I feel it come from my heart or soul, somewhere deeper within. All of these things are conceptual, but because of love’s unexplainable quality I believe it is rooted in the spiritual. In a marriage love is reciprocal in many ways, it is meant to be given freely and in return to be received. In some relationships love is unconditional, or at least so we think. A baby cannot do anything for her mother, however her mother continues to nutrure and care for her. The mother does receive the benefits of having a child, but at the level of the action nothing is given in return, except for some loud crying and loaded diapers.
My relationship with my parents has been overwhelming filled with love and underdstanding. There were several very low points in our relationship when I was in high school, but because of them we learned things that we both needed to know. Most of our struggles had to do with the changing roles in our lives. My role was to grow up, their role was to start letting go of certain things, allowing me to be more independent. Deep down though I still need their love and support, I think it is their trust and belief in me I seek most. They are responsible for a great portion of how I am today. They taught me to love others and to care about those that others don’t. My mom seems to talk to anyone and always has something kind to tell them. My parents although they are financially stable have never acted haughty or better than others. My dad taught me that hard work is important, so that when you do take it easy it can be better enjoyed.
Interestingly much of what I have learned about love I have seen portrayed on film or read in books. Movies like Braveheart, Gladiator, The Thin Red Line, Apollo 13, and Schindler’s List all have a unique way of showing the human mystery of love. I learn so much from seeing others love one another. Wallace fights for his people, Maximus for his wife and son, Oscar Schindler fights for those he has learned to love. Some people have an amazing ability to love others, which involves caring for, spending time with, and sometimes confronting about tough issues. From the most humble and simple people I have learned the greatest lessons of love. CS Lewis writes that “The heart has its reasons that reason knows not of.” This sums up my view of love in that it remains a beautiful mystery that I believe is intimately connected and encompassed in the divine.
I just traveled to Florida with my band One Life Lost. It was a really awesome expereience, despite the fact that our van broke down twice. I would say the breakdowns made the trip even greater than it would have been had we not broken down. We were able to meet so many nice/stereotypical people (including Good old boys, Florida Gentleman, and FF5)! I loved being the only single guy around three married couples. I was blessed with an amazing learning experience. There are so many weird things/ coincidences that happened on this trip. One example. Our van broke down and we were towed to a Tires Plus. At tires plus we were playing the card game Uker. While we played Uker an episode of Sanford and Son was on TV. In this particular episode the two main character’s truck breaks down, and they end up playing cards… What are the odds??????? I love how freakin weird God can be. I definately saw his hand in almost everything that happened on the trip. I am in awe…
My honest worship song… (bear with me in a little folly)
Your are sort of what I want, I think… I surrender some to you, I wish I could surrender more, but it’s not so easy. You are my King, Here I am to complain, here I am to ask for you to rescue me, here I am to pretend that I’m God. I know that you are holy, God I know you’re worthy, but for some reason I still seek to serve myself…
I think at times we could probably all sing a certain version of this song. I’m honored to serve a God who will allow me to feel these feelings and to write something like this, and still love me exactly the same. He knows and understands us all so much more than we probably ever will, that is something that blows my mind…
I had a dream about 20 minutes ago. In the dream I took several different memebers of my family to a church, for Christmas, I suppose. My parents, my grandpa and my aunt and uncle were there. The church in real life is a group that meets on OSU’s campus on friday nights. I guess we were attending a sunday service. The auditorium was full, I would say 150 people or so. The worship band had grown since I had been there. There were all kinds of instruments and people in the band who would kind of dissappear as the service went on. There were two guys with super long and puffy hair, one wore a pair of rimmed glasses. There were several girls who played really pretty instruments that my mom enjoyed, and several different male singers. When service began, I was sitting down in between my mom and grandpa. I stood up for worship. Worship began with an improvisation of “Hit of Miss” by the pop/punk band New Found Glory. “The needle on my record player has been wearing thin, this record has been playing since the day you’ve been with him.” In my head I was thinking, long hair, loud music, secular songs, How am I going to explain this? After this, things began to get increasingly weirder, similar to my experience at a penecostal church. As they continued to play I tried to worship and enjoy what was going on, while at the same time being somewhat scared that either I would be killed by the worship band or slain by my aunt and uncle. I next started to see myself on stage with hair about half as long as it is now and a blue-collared shirt. I was leading one of the songs, but with no tact or reverence. I looked like a real shmuck. Finally I dissapeared and another wordship guy took over, who had a very boring and uninteresting voice. Here comes the climax… The pew we were sitting in as well as the one in front of and behind us began to spin completely around, like a ride at the county fair. What the !#@# I thought. There is absoultely no explanation or reason to have spinning pews! During the spinning carousel time, my grandpa, who had fallen asleep, remained in his slumber (mouth open and all). Suddenly the pews stopped spinning and a voice came over the loud speaker, stating that if anyone had exams they were free to leave. That is about the time I left the dream…
I’m sure this dream is loaded with symbolism, which I will consider. One thing I took from the dream is that you cannot please everyone and sometimes things just can’t be explained. I feel this metaphorical circus dream was a vision of how I view, and how I feel others view myself and to some extent Christianity. What a weird Christmas day dream……………..Merry Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!
This is an idea for ancient prophecy/ folklore for a story I am currently working on…
This flower, if rooted deep into the true king’s heart, will give birth to lights that never stop. On the spot where the true king lies will sprout a vine of strength and might. Its bark will never chip or break, its branches will remain (hold) tight and safe. Its leaves will bleed an autumn red of which the scribes of Medenora have never read. One day a boy will come, with eyes of fire and the heart of a snowbear, only lacking love. By this ancient vine his crimson blood will flow with velvet ice, when true love gives birth to burning light.
To be the friend that I have to be, is to deny everything that I am.
I thought of this line/concept when I was driving home today. According to dictionary.com a friend is “a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.” Sometimes to please your friends or to retain the title of friend you must deny your feelings as well as what you want. This is not neccessarily a bad thing, but seemingly only a means to avoid conflict; the desire still waits. Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as we love ourself, and to do unto others what you would have them do to you. Within these words my thoughts as of late become confused, muddled, and lost. There is a difference between loving someone and bowing to their wishes. Is a friend someone who lays down their desires and feelings for another or one who satnds up for what they believe to be right regardless of the other’s response, happy, angry, sad, indeifferent etc.?
I wonder how the Almighty feels looking down on these problems, and I also wonder if he is in the midst of them. I realized last night that my view of God seems to be very contradicting. Sometimes I feel God is ”within my very soul” as Anakin would say, and at others I feel He is millions of miles away, plotting my demise. My conceptualization of the way God reacts to my actions is ridiculous. I used to strive for selflessness and to see the world through the eyes of Christ, maybe the only way to do that is to deny or give up everything that I am. Whatever that means.